My mother was 14 years old when I came into this world. She wanted to raise me her way. This independence came with a price. It meant making her own decisions, but also moving us to the hood.
The hood taught me to stay aware. It’s a jungle. You’ve got to fight to survive. This environment gives you three options: drugs, sports or death. With drugs you’re selling to make money for your family or you’re using drugs to cope with your reality.
Sports can be a way out and make you feel that it’s important to do well because it gives your friends and family something to cheer for. The other option is death. I’ve seen so many people die. Remember, it’s the jungle - people are just trying to survive.
Sports was my way out, my coping mechanism. I caught a lot of slack because I didn’t want to play for my own community football team. I wanted to see beyond - I wanted to be known. A couple friends went with me to the suburbs to play. It was a different culture, and I wanted to experience it. When we went to these games it was different - there was food and we got to eat.
My goal growing up was to take care of my mom and siblings. There was no chance to be a kid. When you see death and drugs so often it becomes the norm. There’s so much that funnels you into that lifestyle. Your friends are in it deep, and it feels almost impossible to avoid - especially for kids.
I loved school. It was a getaway, your safe zone as a kid. I wasn’t the brightest person in school, but I still loved it. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to learn. I was a smart kid, but I couldn’t focus. School was my resting time, my peace zone. That was the time us kids from the hood knew we could get a lunch. I didn’t have to cook for my siblings; we could eat. We could finally get some rest without hearing gunshots and finally relax.
The school system was not set up for success at that time. They would say I had one disorder or another instead of sitting down with the kids. As I grew older I understood nothing was wrong with me I was just tired. The reality that I was raised in was a lot of stress for a kid. School was the only place that it felt halfway safe to be a kid. Grades started to matter as I grew up. I began to get it together.
My mom really tried to get us out of the hood, but she was a single mom doing her best. At times trying to get us out meant we were in shelters. I’d stay at friends’ houses or with aunts and cousins or bounce around shelters just to stay in school. I walked my siblings to school everyday and then walked to school myself. I took my job as “Dad” really serious.
The street influences during my elementary years meant I saw people dying and going to jail daily. The people that you look up to in my community are either selling drugs or doing drugs. The environment itself was a fight but I was a protector. I tried to shelter my younger siblings and was in a lot of fights so they didn’t have to. I didn’t want my siblings to experience the same life I was. Keeping them safe was my priority.
The school we went to had a lot of fights. To the teachers credit, it all started at home. When you have so many issues outside of schools; hunger, fighting, missing father or mother figure - often it equals blocked learning. One parent can only do so much. You have your neighbors trying to help you raise your kids, but the kids only had themselves. They were kids but they couldn’t really be kids. This made school our getaway - a time for us to act like kids and enjoy.
Football was my getaway. I had scholarships to go to college which felt like my calling at that time. My senior year I chose to graduate from a suburb school. I was told it would be good to graduate from a school with nationwide accolades instead of my community school. My community school didn’t have uniforms or the things we needed to succeed. We got by, but we didn’t have anything to truly motivate us. This influenced so many of my decisions.
I didn’t know how to be a father. At the same time raising my siblings I was being a father.. I didn’t go to Prom or things of that nature because I couldn’t. I needed to be caring for my siblings. I was their person. At the same time I needed to be at practice, I still would cook and feed them because my mom was working. Her choices were to either work or take care of your kids.
Death in this community was something that always happens, but you’re just glad it just hasn’t happen to you. You couldn’t run away from it. When you had friends getting killed, you just wanted to give up. Something inside made you keep pushing on. The Lord saved me from many situations I was in… being shot at myself and then watching people die.
We didn’t have a safe place. School was a safe place but the community around it wasn’t safe. We didn’t have a community hub or hang out - that positive community outlook didn’t exist. We had the DARE program but it was just starting. They did try but the brokenness was in the fabric of our community. You couldn’t shake it, you couldn’t do anything about it.
There were good times. I had a scholarship, focused on going to college and it felt like the difference. I’ll be the first person in my family to go to college. I pushed for this goal. My siblings, cousins and the people I raised started saying, “I can go to college! I can do this, too!” They saw opportunity through my life.
Instead of going to college I had my first daughter. I knew I didn’t want her to go through what I did. She was the first biggest decision of my life. She changed me and the direction my life was taking.
In my community a child can ruin you and your whole life. This was my wake up call. I told my college I wasn’t coming, I had a kid. I wanted to be in my kid’s life, and I couldn’t miss 4 years of her life. Because I never had a father, I told myself if I had kids I’d never leave my kids for any reason. I thought about going into the service but I couldn’t. Instead I stayed home and started raising my daughter. I was depressed and lonely. I had so many different emotions, my whole life changed. I ran away from home. I started working a job and tried to start over.
Those choices brought on a whole lot of hardships and turmoil but I stuck with it. I was a single father, and it was hard, very hard. I hit rock bottom. When I hit bottom I was homeless with my daughter. The Lord knows I wanted to do everything; I wanted to rob a bank, I wanted to kill myself. It’s not just you out there - there’s another human being with you — looking up to you and asking questions like, why are we on a bus? It all makes you want to quit. You wanna say, I can’t do this anymore.
Then one day I looked my daughter in the eyes and said I’m going to get you a house. I’m gonna be great because of you. I won’t let you down. I kept that promise. I started working again. I’d drop her off at school, take the bus back, try to clean up because - I’m still homeless. I’d try to at least smell good. Most of the jobs turned you down. You’d work for a little bit, you’d try but they didn’t care about your personal issues.
Once I finally got on my feet and got my apartment, my daughter was so happy and that’s all I cared about. She was happy and it’s all that mattered to me. I started making things work. I started a family. I was becoming older and someone that’s I WAS proud of.
Being homeless was my lowest point. Getting my daughter her own room was a huge step in a better direction. I was finally able to put food on the table for her. I went to a lot of different shelters to help me. Some of the shelters helped but there were others full of negativity and didn’t want to help. It taught me and my daughter a valuable lesson.
I started getting on my feet and my own family. I was trying to move up at my job but I kept hearing “no” over and over. I was told I wasn’t good enough. There were so many different reasons why I wasn’t getting a promotion. I was good enough to train and teach but that was all. Fellow employees had my back and were sick about the situation. The people who I touched stood by me. I kept hearing I wasn’t good enough from a company I gave my all to. This made me feel like I really wasn’t good enough. I had put so much work in but I started to believe what I was being told.
In my personal life I ended things with my significant other. Then the worst moment of my life occurred. My two year old was murdered. It broke me to the lowest low yet. It was so much at the time that I finally folded. I wanted to rage. I felt like I was going to jail the rest of my life. I knew if I saw the killer that was the end.
The experience taught me so much. It opened my eyes to realize everyday isn’t given and time is so important. You can get everything material back but you can’t get time. I always try to use people’s time to the fullest. That’s why I’m always smiling. The time I had with my two year old was some of the best time of my life.
From that point on with my job I folded. I gave up. I felt I couldn’t do anything else to help my case. I had friends and bosses that stood by my side. They told me it’s gonna be all right, but you never see the other side of the tunnel like they see it.
I try to help people and always give my best. I started teaching a youth program at church. I started doing things for the community and people. I focused on giving back to youth. I tried to start my own business and do things that took my mind off my pain.
This was a hard change but the hardest part was keeping my family. I couldn’t cope, I couldn’t cry. I had to be strong for them. I focused on being a father. I didn’t have anyone to reach out and talk to. How do I handle this situation?
People don’t often go through situations like this. We loose older folks but when you loose your own child, how do you cope? I’d try to explain to my teenage daughter and 7 year old why their sister isn’t coming back. This had to be the hardest of times.
We all became better human beings from this horrible pain. It brought us close. A few months down the line I was debating on my career. I wanted to do something different with my life. The company I was with was holding me back. Don’t get me wrong, people in the company were behind me but I felt like the company as a whole was holding me back.
I was driving to work one morning and I had a car wreck, a real real bad one. I had just bought my dream car. In the hospital I was just laying there helpless thinking… I coulda been with my little girl. At the same time I thought, God’s not finished with me yet. I knew I had to get up. I made my decision, I was quitting my job. I have to follow my dreams.
A crazy turn, I had stayed close with my bosses, coworkers and friends. I got a call to come back to the company and I didn’t hesitate. A year later I got the promotion I wanted for so many years. A different city, a totally different place than I ever thought I’d be.
My family was the first to say, “wherever you go- we are going, too.” It touched me.
When I remember sitting in that bed I felt like from this day forward I’m going to go with my heart. I’m going to give my all no matter what. I’m not going to give up, and I’m not going to quit. I’m not going to have these sad stories. I’m not going to have this pity about myself. We all go through stuff to make us better people.
